Hazel Eden

Pregnancy/Birth Journey

"From the moment we find out that we are carrying life inside us, we begin to surrender. We do not surrender out of weakness, but we surrender to a hope of something new, something unknown. We surrender our bodies to create and grow our babies. We surrender to the pain that will open and birth our babies. We surrender our individual lives, for a life dedicated to nurturing our babies.”

I sit here so amazed at Gods goodness in giving me a family. My husband and I weren’t “planning” a pregnancy this year, but we were also not trying very hard to prevent it. We were open to the idea and really wanted to start a family while we were young. I remember bringing the positive pregnancy test to Kory and just holding each other. It was a crazy moment. Saying we were excited was an understatement. I had so many different emotions that first week from pure joy, to anxiety at my ability to be a mother. Kory and I kept asking each other if this was real? We decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until I was 14 weeks just “in case.” Not telling anyone gave us time to process, think, and dream about this baby on our own. We also decided early on not to find out the gender of the baby, but to wait until the birth and be surprised. Im so grateful for this time together before everyone knew - it was really precious to me. 

I knew that because I am a midwife, being pregnant would be quite the adventure. Being a midwife the “knowledge” about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum was already there - but now I have understanding and compassion that comes with the experience.  I was blessed with an easy, healthy pregnancy - which enabled me to continue to be a midwife and catch babies, although the whole late night/all night thing is much harder when your pregnant, let me tell you. But being a pregnant midwife was so awesome too - I felt deeper camaraderie with these birthing mommas as they brought their babies earthside. As my pregnancy progressed I grappled with the downside to all my “knowledge” - I knew everything that could go wrong. But I also knew everything that could go right. I had to choose not to fear my ability to birth. I chose to trust not because I was great or strong, but because I knew that in my weakness, God would be strong. No matter what happened I kept reminding myself of this great cloud of witnesses, all these mothers who had birthed their babies naturally, standing by cheering me on. I struggled as I overanalyzed everything about how I wanted my birth to go, the things I would want if things went wrong. But eventually I realized I had to tell my mind to be quiet. I had to trust. My husband was such a great balance for my over-active mind. He brought me so much peace and supported me so lovingly over the nine months. I also was overwhelmed by the love and support family and friends showed me. I lost my mother when I was 21 years old to cancer, and yet at my baby shower I was surrounded by all my moms friends and I felt her presence through these women. I knew that is how she would have wanted it - me surrounded by these women she had loved, who were now blessing and passing on the baton of motherhood to me. Everything about this pregnancy was magical and beautiful to me. I learned to treasure every precious moment on the journey to birth. Every tiny kick from inside my belly. My husbands face when he felt the baby move for the first time. That first ultrasound when I saw this beautiful, perfectly formed baby that was INSIDE me. All the rude (yet funny) comments from strangers about how big my belly was. All these moments were threads on a tapestry that was woven of my journey towards motherhood. And I will forever treasure them. 

Towards the end of my pregnancy (38 weeks) I was measuring bigger than normal so we had another ultrasound to rule out a few concerns with the baby’s size. The doctor eagerly assured us the baby was within a pound (more or less) of 7lbs...and that there was no other complications...I was just “all baby.” Baby was so big in this ultrasound it was hard to even get her femur on the screen. We couldn’t even see her face she was so low in my pelvis, although we did make out a tiny fist in her mouth which she was sucking. Looking back I’m so glad we got this ultrasound because I was at peace with the baby’s size for the first time. Kory and I were both 9lb baby’s and with me measuring so big I had been concerned for months about having a giant baby. May 3rd was our first anniversary and the entire pregnancy Kory and I had jokingly told the baby to come early, (due date was May 9) but wait until after May 3rd so we didn’t have to share our anniversary. I really wanted to have the baby early because I was so uncomfortable, but figured there was only so much I could do to encourage her to come, so I might as well enjoy the last few weeks of being pregnant. We had an amazingly sweet first anniversary celebrating a precious year together. Because I was due the next week we stayed close to home but made it out for a nice dinner at Texas De Brazil. After dinner we came home and went to bed. Somewhere around 1:00am I woke up with horrible diarrhea (sorry tmi). I was completely convinced I had food poisoning from dinner...until I started noticing consistent contractions coming and going around 3:30am. The contractions were really light so I slept on & off the rest of the morning until Kory woke up around 9:00am (it was Sunday). When he woke up I mentioned I was having contractions, but didn’t want to get his hopes up so I said “who knows they might stop again.”  I texted our midwife (Gina) and let her know what was going on and said if things progressed I would keep her updated. Kory and I ate breakfast and then he went outside and mowed the lawn, then made a trip to Sonic to get me some ice. Around 11:00am I started timing the contractions for an hour. By noon they were 2-3 minutes apart lasting 60 or more seconds. My sister-in-law, Andie, had joked my whole pregnancy that she thought I would have a girl and that I would have her on May 4th. It was May 4th...so I thought for sure she would be right. I was really scared to have Gina come to early but after texting back and forth for a while we decided she should come and atleast check me. Looking back I realize I had so many expectations about how I wanted labor to progress with me. I was desperately hoping and praying for a short labor and easy pushing that culminated in us meeting our baby while I still felt somewhat alive and refreshed. I know, I laugh now. I’m a midwife, I know first time moms tend to have longer, harder labors...but I was just hoping I would win the labor lottery. When Gina got here around 1:00pm she checked me and said... “ Your almost 5cm.” Good news, yet I was disappointed. Again, wishful thinking, but I was hoping with contractions 2 minutes apart I would be further along. Working with moms as a midwife for the past couple years I knew natural labor was hard and grueling. I knew contractions were painful. Yet honestly, I don’t think I really knew what to expect for myself in labor. Women had said “oh contractions feel like really, really bad menstrual cramps.” Yeah, not true. The contractions surprised me. They were way more painful and overwhelming than I had imagined.. I figured out early on that laying on my right side was the most comfortable position for dealing with my contractions.  Again, as a midwife Ive always encouraged women to change positions as much as possible during labor. Now I know moving sucks when your in labor. Everytime Gina suggested I move or change positions I didn’t have very many good things to say. Anytime I got up to pee I would have two or three contractions in the time between my bed and the toilet. Horribly painful. Every contraction I would just tell myself to make it to the peak of the contraction, then it was downhill from there. All the coping techniques I thought I would use were out the window. I literally didn’t care about a thing, save for surviving the next contraction. Gina and Nedra (the assisting midwife) stayed out of my way, for which I’m grateful. I don’t do well with people in my face when I’m in pain. I remember wanting Kory close by...even if he was just sitting near me...I just wanted to be able to see him and know he was there. His presence was comforting. I kept asking him to pray and he prayed. He turned on music and kept encouraging me. Again, embarrassing to admit, but I said “I’m done” more times than I can count. I was progressing only 1cm every two hours and I got so discouraged. I tried getting in my bathtub twice, but hated it. The water was too low and didn’t cover my belly and I couldn’t get comfortable. By the time Gina said I was 7cm, I just asked for her to break my water since there was a bulging bag in front of the baby’s head. Honestly, I lost all track of time, but I believe this was sometime late evening. In the next hour I went from 7-10cm and was ready to push. Again, people had always told me pushing was “such a relief.” Well, I didn’t think so! Pushing hurt way more than I expected, but yet was easier than just breathing through a contraction. I remember the pressure in my butt being so crazy intense. So I started pushing....and pushed....and pushed. I pushed for 3.5-4 hours with slow progress along the way. It was overwhelming and the worst pain and pressure I can ever imagine experiencing. It was grueling - the slow progress again was so discouraging. Finally after midnight sometime Kory started telling me HE noticed the head was out more and more every push. Somewhere while I was pushing was the first time I embraced the pain and knew the only way out was to finish. Everybody gets to this place, but it took me longer than most. I guess it was the first time I realized the pain wasn’t leaving until I got that baby out. Funny, now that I think about it. After I got that baby’s head and shoulders out, I thought I was finished...but then Gina told me I had to keep pushing. The total and complete emptiness I felt when my baby’s body finally left mine was surreal. I was so tired, but so relieved to be finished. They put the baby on my chest and Kory told me it was a girl...and I kept say... “WHAT...a girl?! Seriously?” For some strange reason my whole pregnancy I thought it was a boy. But looking down at this beautiful baby girl was the most amazing moment of my life. Kory and I were both crying, totally excited to meet our baby girl, and completely elated to be finished with labor! I don’t remember much after this point...just total relief at being finished...disbelief at this tiny, perfect human that we made...and love. So much love. I will always be grateful for my husband. Oh how kind he was to me during those long hours ...and afterwards taking such good care of Hazel and me. I’m grateful to the midwives who didn’t take me to the hospital but gave me a fighting chance to get that baby out at home! We named our baby girl Hazel Eden - and she weighed in at a whopping 9lb14oz (so much for not having a giant baby). Her head was 14inches around - which explains the long pushing. She came out with a perfectly round head - very little molding or swelling, which is really rare with that long of a pushing phase. All of the things I had been worried about never happened, but labor itself was more challenging than I had ever imagined. 

After my whole birthing experience was finished I struggled over how grueling my labor seemed compared to other peoples stories. I’ve had a first time mom stand up after having a baby and say “That wasn’t as hard as I thought.” Now I want to slap her. Don’t get me wrong, I know everyones birthing experience is different, but I hear all these stories about beautiful, peaceful, easy births and then I look at my birth and see pain, lots of struggle, and grueling work. I kept wondering, “why me?” I laid in bed for a week after giving birth, hardly able to walk to the bathroom and back to bed. I felt like I had been run over by a bus. Giving birth to Hazel was the most incredible thing Ive ever done, but I didn’t feel like it was a peaceful, beautiful experience. It was hard and grueling. Labor is called labor for a reason and now I understand more than ever the struggle required to give birth to new life. Having said all that, I don’t regret anything - I would go through all that pain again to have my Hazel. Ive just had to acknowledge the dirty part of birth - the sweat, the work, the struggle, the tears... in order to realize my birth was beautiful too. The struggle is made beautiful when we are brought to our knees, face our inability, find strength from above, and forge ahead to birth new life. 

 I look back at our 5 day NICU stay when Hazel was only 5 days old (critically high bilirubin levels) and I’m again reminded of all the love and support friends and family showed us. I remember feeling like my heart was being ripped out watching Hazel scream while she was being poked at the hospital for blood samples. I couldn’t hold or comfort her and it was so heartbreaking watching her struggle. I saw myself becoming a mother and felt my heart entangled in the life of Hazel for the first time. Peoples prayers made a huge difference. I knew God was there in our struggles and was comforting Hazel when I could not. Hazels bilirubin levels did eventually drop to a safe level and we continue to breastfeed at home. I felt sadness in that NICU - sadness for all the other mothers and babies who were there. But Kory reminded me it is actually a miracle that any of those babies are still alive - we walked by tiny, tiny babies who were born prematurely kept alive by amazing equipment and staff that work endlessly around the clock taking care of them. The glass is full - we live in an age where there are Childrens Hospitals taking care of all these little people who need help. For this, I am grateful. 

Every day I fall more in love with Hazel. Ive fallen more in love with Kory watching him be a father to this tiny girl. I’m mesmerized by everything about her. To me, she is the most beautiful girl in all the world and I am overwhelmingly blessed to be her mother. God has granted me my hearts desire in this beautiful family I get to call mine. I am blown away.