Knox Everett 11.24.15

The pregnancy seemed like it lasted a year and yet a minute all at the same time. With a toddler to chase around you have less time to think about being pregnant I guess. 

Knox is our sweet surprise. Kory and I were both so excited when we found out he was a BOY! I had such an easy pregnancy...until the end...and then man, the hip & pelvic pain was so bad I could barely walk. I gained less weight this time around and we were praying for a smaller baby (Hazel was 9lb 14oz) so I focused more on my diet, or atleast I tried to, and it really paid off. I hope I always remember how active Knox was inside my belly - how it felt to always have his butt up in my ribs...how his little foot would shake...

Because of how big Hazel was, my midwife and I had determined to get labor going a couple weeks early this time...but as life happened it was 39 weeks before I got my membranes stripped. With Hazel this worked within 24 hours - this time, nothing happened. My sister was in town to help with Hazel whenever I went into labor so we were all eager to meet Knox. I had so much start and stop contractions through the weeks leading up to his birth - again so different from Hazel! Also, this whole pregnancy I had it in my head that my water would break first for some reason. Monday, November 23rd (I was due Nov 25th) I took Hazel to the zoo with some friends and walked around for hours...then I came home and at dinner started having contractions {again}. Nothing different than all the start and stop I had experienced before so I tried not focusing on them. Kory and I had really prayed for a shorter labor this time...less pushing...smaller baby...and I had determined to be more positive mentally during this labor. After Kory and I went to bed the contractions started getting more consistent and stronger but I was just trying to sleep. I got up and made so many trips to the bathroom (ya know, lovely early labor cleaning out). Then at 1:30am my water broke. What an insane feeling! I jumped up and yelled to Kory and he got up immediately - half asleep, poor guy - and started getting things ready. The next few hours of contractions were fairly manageable. I stayed positive, kept telling myself I was stronger than the contractions...and Kory was so encouraging. I felt like Kory and I were so much more in tune to each other this time. Maybe its because we knew what to expect this time around, but for whatever reason it was so sweet to me. Gina (my midwife) showed up between 3-4am...but she didn’t check me until around 7am. Being a midwife myself, the temptation to check myself was too strong...and I kept checking myself and feeling so much cervix! This was discouraging and got me stuck in my head...because I knew had a posterior cervix and it could take hours to completely dilate. Dumb, I know, but being a midwife and trying to give birth without analyzing everything is really hard!! From 7am on I really struggled, both mentally and physically. The pain was excruciating - every contraction I would have sharp, shooting pain down my legs. This, coupled with the feeling that my pelvis was going to explode outward, had me seriously considering the fact that I might be dying. No joke, guys. My support team was incredible. Kory was so encouraging, prayerful, quiet, and sweet. Both midwives really honored my requests and stayed positive and supportive. One of my best friends was there photographing the experience and her presence was so sweet to me (I delivered her son in 2014). Anyway, Gina suggested I get in the bath and try to relax and Sena (the assisting midwife) sat there and sprayed my back with hot water for I don’t know how long. Around 8:15am I told Kory I was over it, the pain was overwhelming and I “couldn’t last hours more....” Seriously, I should know this feeling meant I was close to the end, but I couldn’t even think that far ahead. I remember crawling (yes crawling) from the bath tub back to my bed. Gina checked me and said there was only an anterior cervical lip left, I pushed passed it and had Knox out in less than 10 minutes. I felt so in control while pushing...every sensation I understood and I could feel him moving down...it was incredible! But really - from the point I gave up, Knox was out fifteen minutes later. Im embarrassed now that I wanted to give up, but in that moment the pain was just that intense. I cried and cried when I pulled Knox up on my chest. God had answered every one of my prayers - active labor was only 7 hours, Knox was a pound smaller than his sister, and I literally only pushed 10 minutes. The 24 hours after he was born were beautiful - introducing Hazel to her brother, wrapping my mind around having two children (!) and just resting with Kory marveling at this adorable son of ours. 

Hazel had critical levels of bilirubin after she was born (for those of you who know, her bilirubin was 26 at day 5) and she had to be in the NICU for five days - so this time around I had found a pediatrician who would prescribe a bili blanket at home if Knox needed jaundice treatment like his sister. At his 24 hour appointment both Gina, Kory, and I agreed that Knox looked yellow and we should run a bili test. I really thought we would just call the pediatrician and have him treated at home within the night if his levels were too high. Within a few hours we got the news his bilirubin was already within the critical range and home treatment was no longer an option. I cannot even express how disappointing this was. I cried all the way to the hospital...the disappointment of not being able to stay home was overwhelming. My pelvis and legs hurt so bad from giving birth I could hardly even walk into the hospital. The next six days ran together. I couldn’t hold my baby until 48 hours later - and then I could only hold him every 6 hours for 20 minutes. Watching Knox sit in a plastic box under lights and only being able to console him with my voice was heartbreaking. Kory and I were exhausted - sleep in the NICU is almost non-existent and then running back and forth between home and the hospital to make sure Hazel still felt loved and cared for was beyond overwhelming. Knox tested positive for the COOMBS test, which means he and I had a blood incompatibility. This was causing his red blood cells to die faster than he could replace, hence the critical levels of jaundice. Theres a 3% chance that any mother can have this with her child...and Im here to tell you that small percentage you never think will be you, happens. The initial doctor said he would need a blood transfusion, which he ended up not needing, thank God. I got some horrible news while being in the NICU with Knox - some of which might not be true, but it was heartbreaking nonetheless. I plan on seeing a high risk doctor sometime in the next year to decide what another pregnancy & birth will look like for me if I decide to have another baby. Between the blood incompatibility issue and a possible complication with being RH negative (0 neg blood type) future pregnancies might be more high risk. Ive struggled and grappled with this whole experience so much. I have days where I feel really cheated out of the first week of bonding with my baby...that Im this unlucky 3% where I can’t hold my babies for the first week of their lives. But since Knox has been home Ive filled his cup with as many cuddles and kisses as he might have missed out on that first week. Ive realized that although its so easy to have tunnel vision when your going through hard times, every mother I know has struggles and trials and hard things to work through in regards to their children. We always think our issue is the worst, but in reality we all struggle. Life is hard, so hard. Im sad for what happened with Knox. Im sad his little feet are all scarred from so many blood draws. Im sad I couldn’t lay in bed and hold him that first week. But Im comforted in knowing Im not alone. 

Amidst all the crazies of that first week after Knox was born, I feel so overwhelmed and grateful for the way God provided for our needs. First, my Kory - his love and support and positivity and comfort made a world of difference. My dad, who showed up every day at the NICU and drove me home to see Hazel when I was too sore to move. My sister, Courtney, who stayed for three weeks and loved on Hazel, made us delicious food, cleaned our house, and did laundry endlessly. Her service literally made a world of difference. My midwife, Gina, who cared faithfully and diligently for both me and Knox and showed up at the NICU on my worst day to encourage me. Nicole, what a faithful friend - who took beautiful pictures of Knox and brought me food at the NICU and sat and talked when I was alone. We had people come out of the woodwork supporting us and bringing us food. God is faithful! 

Hazel Eden

Pregnancy/Birth Journey

"From the moment we find out that we are carrying life inside us, we begin to surrender. We do not surrender out of weakness, but we surrender to a hope of something new, something unknown. We surrender our bodies to create and grow our babies. We surrender to the pain that will open and birth our babies. We surrender our individual lives, for a life dedicated to nurturing our babies.”

I sit here so amazed at Gods goodness in giving me a family. My husband and I weren’t “planning” a pregnancy this year, but we were also not trying very hard to prevent it. We were open to the idea and really wanted to start a family while we were young. I remember bringing the positive pregnancy test to Kory and just holding each other. It was a crazy moment. Saying we were excited was an understatement. I had so many different emotions that first week from pure joy, to anxiety at my ability to be a mother. Kory and I kept asking each other if this was real? We decided not to tell anyone about the pregnancy until I was 14 weeks just “in case.” Not telling anyone gave us time to process, think, and dream about this baby on our own. We also decided early on not to find out the gender of the baby, but to wait until the birth and be surprised. Im so grateful for this time together before everyone knew - it was really precious to me. 

I knew that because I am a midwife, being pregnant would be quite the adventure. Being a midwife the “knowledge” about pregnancy, birth, and postpartum was already there - but now I have understanding and compassion that comes with the experience.  I was blessed with an easy, healthy pregnancy - which enabled me to continue to be a midwife and catch babies, although the whole late night/all night thing is much harder when your pregnant, let me tell you. But being a pregnant midwife was so awesome too - I felt deeper camaraderie with these birthing mommas as they brought their babies earthside. As my pregnancy progressed I grappled with the downside to all my “knowledge” - I knew everything that could go wrong. But I also knew everything that could go right. I had to choose not to fear my ability to birth. I chose to trust not because I was great or strong, but because I knew that in my weakness, God would be strong. No matter what happened I kept reminding myself of this great cloud of witnesses, all these mothers who had birthed their babies naturally, standing by cheering me on. I struggled as I overanalyzed everything about how I wanted my birth to go, the things I would want if things went wrong. But eventually I realized I had to tell my mind to be quiet. I had to trust. My husband was such a great balance for my over-active mind. He brought me so much peace and supported me so lovingly over the nine months. I also was overwhelmed by the love and support family and friends showed me. I lost my mother when I was 21 years old to cancer, and yet at my baby shower I was surrounded by all my moms friends and I felt her presence through these women. I knew that is how she would have wanted it - me surrounded by these women she had loved, who were now blessing and passing on the baton of motherhood to me. Everything about this pregnancy was magical and beautiful to me. I learned to treasure every precious moment on the journey to birth. Every tiny kick from inside my belly. My husbands face when he felt the baby move for the first time. That first ultrasound when I saw this beautiful, perfectly formed baby that was INSIDE me. All the rude (yet funny) comments from strangers about how big my belly was. All these moments were threads on a tapestry that was woven of my journey towards motherhood. And I will forever treasure them. 

Towards the end of my pregnancy (38 weeks) I was measuring bigger than normal so we had another ultrasound to rule out a few concerns with the baby’s size. The doctor eagerly assured us the baby was within a pound (more or less) of 7lbs...and that there was no other complications...I was just “all baby.” Baby was so big in this ultrasound it was hard to even get her femur on the screen. We couldn’t even see her face she was so low in my pelvis, although we did make out a tiny fist in her mouth which she was sucking. Looking back I’m so glad we got this ultrasound because I was at peace with the baby’s size for the first time. Kory and I were both 9lb baby’s and with me measuring so big I had been concerned for months about having a giant baby. May 3rd was our first anniversary and the entire pregnancy Kory and I had jokingly told the baby to come early, (due date was May 9) but wait until after May 3rd so we didn’t have to share our anniversary. I really wanted to have the baby early because I was so uncomfortable, but figured there was only so much I could do to encourage her to come, so I might as well enjoy the last few weeks of being pregnant. We had an amazingly sweet first anniversary celebrating a precious year together. Because I was due the next week we stayed close to home but made it out for a nice dinner at Texas De Brazil. After dinner we came home and went to bed. Somewhere around 1:00am I woke up with horrible diarrhea (sorry tmi). I was completely convinced I had food poisoning from dinner...until I started noticing consistent contractions coming and going around 3:30am. The contractions were really light so I slept on & off the rest of the morning until Kory woke up around 9:00am (it was Sunday). When he woke up I mentioned I was having contractions, but didn’t want to get his hopes up so I said “who knows they might stop again.”  I texted our midwife (Gina) and let her know what was going on and said if things progressed I would keep her updated. Kory and I ate breakfast and then he went outside and mowed the lawn, then made a trip to Sonic to get me some ice. Around 11:00am I started timing the contractions for an hour. By noon they were 2-3 minutes apart lasting 60 or more seconds. My sister-in-law, Andie, had joked my whole pregnancy that she thought I would have a girl and that I would have her on May 4th. It was May 4th...so I thought for sure she would be right. I was really scared to have Gina come to early but after texting back and forth for a while we decided she should come and atleast check me. Looking back I realize I had so many expectations about how I wanted labor to progress with me. I was desperately hoping and praying for a short labor and easy pushing that culminated in us meeting our baby while I still felt somewhat alive and refreshed. I know, I laugh now. I’m a midwife, I know first time moms tend to have longer, harder labors...but I was just hoping I would win the labor lottery. When Gina got here around 1:00pm she checked me and said... “ Your almost 5cm.” Good news, yet I was disappointed. Again, wishful thinking, but I was hoping with contractions 2 minutes apart I would be further along. Working with moms as a midwife for the past couple years I knew natural labor was hard and grueling. I knew contractions were painful. Yet honestly, I don’t think I really knew what to expect for myself in labor. Women had said “oh contractions feel like really, really bad menstrual cramps.” Yeah, not true. The contractions surprised me. They were way more painful and overwhelming than I had imagined.. I figured out early on that laying on my right side was the most comfortable position for dealing with my contractions.  Again, as a midwife Ive always encouraged women to change positions as much as possible during labor. Now I know moving sucks when your in labor. Everytime Gina suggested I move or change positions I didn’t have very many good things to say. Anytime I got up to pee I would have two or three contractions in the time between my bed and the toilet. Horribly painful. Every contraction I would just tell myself to make it to the peak of the contraction, then it was downhill from there. All the coping techniques I thought I would use were out the window. I literally didn’t care about a thing, save for surviving the next contraction. Gina and Nedra (the assisting midwife) stayed out of my way, for which I’m grateful. I don’t do well with people in my face when I’m in pain. I remember wanting Kory close by...even if he was just sitting near me...I just wanted to be able to see him and know he was there. His presence was comforting. I kept asking him to pray and he prayed. He turned on music and kept encouraging me. Again, embarrassing to admit, but I said “I’m done” more times than I can count. I was progressing only 1cm every two hours and I got so discouraged. I tried getting in my bathtub twice, but hated it. The water was too low and didn’t cover my belly and I couldn’t get comfortable. By the time Gina said I was 7cm, I just asked for her to break my water since there was a bulging bag in front of the baby’s head. Honestly, I lost all track of time, but I believe this was sometime late evening. In the next hour I went from 7-10cm and was ready to push. Again, people had always told me pushing was “such a relief.” Well, I didn’t think so! Pushing hurt way more than I expected, but yet was easier than just breathing through a contraction. I remember the pressure in my butt being so crazy intense. So I started pushing....and pushed....and pushed. I pushed for 3.5-4 hours with slow progress along the way. It was overwhelming and the worst pain and pressure I can ever imagine experiencing. It was grueling - the slow progress again was so discouraging. Finally after midnight sometime Kory started telling me HE noticed the head was out more and more every push. Somewhere while I was pushing was the first time I embraced the pain and knew the only way out was to finish. Everybody gets to this place, but it took me longer than most. I guess it was the first time I realized the pain wasn’t leaving until I got that baby out. Funny, now that I think about it. After I got that baby’s head and shoulders out, I thought I was finished...but then Gina told me I had to keep pushing. The total and complete emptiness I felt when my baby’s body finally left mine was surreal. I was so tired, but so relieved to be finished. They put the baby on my chest and Kory told me it was a girl...and I kept say... “WHAT...a girl?! Seriously?” For some strange reason my whole pregnancy I thought it was a boy. But looking down at this beautiful baby girl was the most amazing moment of my life. Kory and I were both crying, totally excited to meet our baby girl, and completely elated to be finished with labor! I don’t remember much after this point...just total relief at being finished...disbelief at this tiny, perfect human that we made...and love. So much love. I will always be grateful for my husband. Oh how kind he was to me during those long hours ...and afterwards taking such good care of Hazel and me. I’m grateful to the midwives who didn’t take me to the hospital but gave me a fighting chance to get that baby out at home! We named our baby girl Hazel Eden - and she weighed in at a whopping 9lb14oz (so much for not having a giant baby). Her head was 14inches around - which explains the long pushing. She came out with a perfectly round head - very little molding or swelling, which is really rare with that long of a pushing phase. All of the things I had been worried about never happened, but labor itself was more challenging than I had ever imagined. 

After my whole birthing experience was finished I struggled over how grueling my labor seemed compared to other peoples stories. I’ve had a first time mom stand up after having a baby and say “That wasn’t as hard as I thought.” Now I want to slap her. Don’t get me wrong, I know everyones birthing experience is different, but I hear all these stories about beautiful, peaceful, easy births and then I look at my birth and see pain, lots of struggle, and grueling work. I kept wondering, “why me?” I laid in bed for a week after giving birth, hardly able to walk to the bathroom and back to bed. I felt like I had been run over by a bus. Giving birth to Hazel was the most incredible thing Ive ever done, but I didn’t feel like it was a peaceful, beautiful experience. It was hard and grueling. Labor is called labor for a reason and now I understand more than ever the struggle required to give birth to new life. Having said all that, I don’t regret anything - I would go through all that pain again to have my Hazel. Ive just had to acknowledge the dirty part of birth - the sweat, the work, the struggle, the tears... in order to realize my birth was beautiful too. The struggle is made beautiful when we are brought to our knees, face our inability, find strength from above, and forge ahead to birth new life. 

 I look back at our 5 day NICU stay when Hazel was only 5 days old (critically high bilirubin levels) and I’m again reminded of all the love and support friends and family showed us. I remember feeling like my heart was being ripped out watching Hazel scream while she was being poked at the hospital for blood samples. I couldn’t hold or comfort her and it was so heartbreaking watching her struggle. I saw myself becoming a mother and felt my heart entangled in the life of Hazel for the first time. Peoples prayers made a huge difference. I knew God was there in our struggles and was comforting Hazel when I could not. Hazels bilirubin levels did eventually drop to a safe level and we continue to breastfeed at home. I felt sadness in that NICU - sadness for all the other mothers and babies who were there. But Kory reminded me it is actually a miracle that any of those babies are still alive - we walked by tiny, tiny babies who were born prematurely kept alive by amazing equipment and staff that work endlessly around the clock taking care of them. The glass is full - we live in an age where there are Childrens Hospitals taking care of all these little people who need help. For this, I am grateful. 

Every day I fall more in love with Hazel. Ive fallen more in love with Kory watching him be a father to this tiny girl. I’m mesmerized by everything about her. To me, she is the most beautiful girl in all the world and I am overwhelmingly blessed to be her mother. God has granted me my hearts desire in this beautiful family I get to call mine. I am blown away. 

Concluding 2013

2013 was a busy year for Perfect Gift Midwifery. These past twelve months brought more change both personally and professional than I've seen in quite a while. 

 In February I sat for the NARM exam and became a Certified Professional Midwife licensed in the State of Colorado. This brought new responsibility as I delved into starting my own practice and working with expectant women as an independent midwife. I attended births throughout Colorado from Pueblo to Erie (lots of driving) and enjoyed being the second on call to most of these births as I continued to gain experience and build relationships with other midwifes in the Denver Metro area. I started Perfect Gift Midwifery in an office in Arvada, where I began seeing all of my clients, but new challenges are ahead as I seek to find a new office in 2014 to host prenatal visits. Im trusting this will be a good change both for my practice and the mommies I serve. 

On a personal note this year was busy as well. In May I got married and began building a life with this incredible man I get to call "husband." Being married has been a wonderful change as I now have a partner and best friend to share in life's adventures. Being married to a midwife brings plenty of excitement to my husbands life, but his support and encouragement empower me everyday to pursue my dreams more passionately. Lucky for us we will be adding another addition to our family sometime in May 2014. We are both looking forward to the changes and joys this new life will bring to us. 

Our wedding - May 2013

Baby Faul - Coming May 2014

2014 is already shaping up to be a great year as I continue to build and expand Perfect Gift Midwifery to better serve the women of Colorado on their homebirth journeys. On top of providing prenatal, birth and postpartum care, I will be offering Childbirth Education Classes in 2014 to first time parents who are planning on birthing at home. Educating and empowering couples to become active decision makers in their baby's birth is my goal, as I believe this builds connected, healthy, and happy families. Perfect Gift Midwifery has plenty of exciting changes up ahead but I believe 2014 will bring lots of new babies, happy mommas, and empowering birth experiences to  Colorado. 

Please follow me on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram to keep updated on Perfect Gift Midwifery and all the exciting adventures ahead! 

Facebook: Midwife Central Colorado

Twiter: PGmidwifery

Pinterest: Perfect Gift Midwifery

Instagram: perfectgiftmidwifery